Saturday, September 24, 2005

My Thirty-Nine Articles of Irritation

A popular sport in the blogosphere is to make a list of things which make you angry. It's a way of letting off steam. For some reason I enjoy these lists, just like I enjoy the silly tests at Quizilla, and Lewis Black. So here's my September '05 list of things which annoy the heck out of me.
{Note: this has absolutely 0% nutritional content}.

1. New Jersey drivers (come here and experience the magic).
2. People who put toilet tissue on backwards - you know who you are.
3. People who say to me, "Gee you're short." Really now, never noticed.
4. Trucks that airbrake in front of my house.
5. ITunes 5.0, which kept shutting down the power to my logic board. Thanks for the upgrade...not!
6. Being cut off or passed by people with the fish symbol on their cars. Would Jesus drive like that?
7. People who want me to marry or bury their apostate relatives who hated church and never came to worship and were scoundrels.
8. People who want me to bury their scoundrel relatives and then renumerate me with $20.
9. Marriage ceremonies with "special music" sung by a friend of the bride, who, let us be charitable, sings well when hidden in the choir.
10. Praise Choruses.
11. Praise Chorus leaders who feel we need to sing said praise chorus more than 3 times.
12. Inclusive language concerning the Deity. For example: using the word "Godself."
13. Hyphenated surnames. Look, just pick the best one.
14. Prayers which include the phrase "We just want to..." over and over again.
15. Prayers where the phrase, "Father God," is used as a comma.
16. Pictures of Jesus which make him look like a girly man.

Our new Reformed Church logo, aka "The Martini Glass."

18. The sound of coins in the collection plate. I mean please people, coins?
19. Phone calls which begin, "I know it's your day off pastor, but...."
20. Folks who think being a committed Christian means worshipping once a month or so.
21. Sunday morning public school soccer [insert other sport] practice/games.
22. Rita Crosby's voice.
23. Bleeping out the "f" word on broadcast tv. You're not hiding anything, so stop it.
24. C.S.I. anywhere. (Law and Order ad nauseum is a close second)
25. Nine consecutive minutes of commercials on the Imus in the Morning radio program.
26. 20th century classical music on WQXR - sounds like animal cruelty tapes.
27. Ticket prices for decent seats at the Opera.
28. Paying $20 to enter the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
29. Paperback books with lousy glue - are you listening Eerdmans?
30. My Mercury Mountaineer.
31. People who bring infants/toddlers to movie theaters - get a sitter.
32. People who talk during the movie, explaining things...
33. Waiters/waitresses who disappear for 20 minutes at a time. No tip for you!
34. Smoking sections. Let's get with the program NJ, smoke causes cancer. Thanks.
35. People smoking outside of hospital entrances. Especially nurses, patients, and docs.
36. White people talking "Gangsta." It's beyond sad.
37. Christian telemarketers who call the church - "Hey Pastor this is Dwayne from Dallas. I have a video series..."
38. CCLI (Christian music license). Give me a break. We'll sing from old hymnals, thank you very much.
39. Tailgaiting me in the right hand lane while you're talking on the cell phone in a Mercedes.


Blogger homo unius libri said...


12:05 PM  
Blogger homo unius libri said...

#40 Little old ladies going the wrong way at the Chinese buffet keeping my from my cheese wontons!

6:43 PM  
Blogger fscottsucks said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:39 PM  
Blogger Scribe said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:58 AM  
Blogger RPM said...

Aren't numbers 1 and 39 the same? I agree with you completely.

The other maneuver is a lazy pass in a Mercedes, where one is going within 10 mph of the speed limit in the right lane and a luxury car zooms up (with that yellowish license plate) and begins to pass on the left, but decides the blind spot is the perfect place to match the speed of the car on the right.

12:21 PM  
Blogger Scribe said...

Technically you're right! I go from general to specific examples...I can't wait to get out of here!!

2:37 PM  

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